What Have I Done?
by faithykin5
Summary: The wonderful (and slightly painful) adventures Jeremy faces, with himself and others, after he turns himself into a vampire after Anna's death. characters may be slightly OCC
1. Oh My

**Hey guys! So first off, thank you for giving this story a go! I apologize if it sucks, kinda my first fanfic so im gonna need some** ** _nice_** **pointers. Everyone may seem a little OOC and im sorry for that but oh well. I'll try to update weekly but dont hold your breath :) I'm real excited to see what you guys think so thanks for reading and enjoy!**

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Blood? Check. Got that vile of blood right here in my hand. Right next to the...

Pills. Now where did I put that container? There. Next to the sink. I should have enough. I even stole Elena's meds to make sure it'll work. I wonder what it's like to die. I guess this is as close to death as I can be without actually staying dead.

Pop. I pull out a single painkiller and smile at the irony. Painkiller alright. I look up at the mirror and take in the person staring back at me. The reflection looses it's smile as I notice how exhausted I am. My hair's a mess, I've got bags under my bloodshot eyes, It looks like I haven't eaten in days. I hate this. I hate missing and mourning everyone I love. My parents. Vicky. Anna.

Anna.

God I miss her. I can't believe she's really gone. Apart from Vicky, Anna was the one for me. I know that sounds cliche but that's how it feels. She brought out a side to me that was buried alongside mom and dad. She made me feel so many things and made me want to live. That I had something to live for. Whatever love is, I really think I felt it for her. I love her. Always.

That's why this isn't as hard as I thought it would be. If I do this, I don't have to feel the pain anymore. The pain of their deaths. The pain of just living life. I've wanted to do this for awhile just never followed through with it. Although last time didn't involve the whole 'coming back' side of it. That's why I'm doing it this time.

Alright. Let's get this over with. Watching my reflection, I swallow pill after pill after pill and the next thing I know the whole container is empty. I down the vile of blood and wince at the iron taste. Gross.

Not long now. It won't take long for the drugs to kick in. I walk out of my bathroom and make it to my bed just as things get a little blurry. The bed creaks under my body weight as I lay on my back, staring into space.

The edges of my vision are really blurred now. I can't quite focus on anything. The colors around my room swirl together and make all sorts of different shapes. I'd move my arm to reach out for my glass of water but I can't seem to move anything right now. My whole body feels numb. I don't feel anything physically. I feel... peaceful. In a strange way I don't want this feeling to go away. I wonder if this is what it feels like to OD; be at peace and in a bliss before the darkness takes over my vision and soul. My last thought in this world was of her. She always ends up in my mind whether or not I notice. I close my eyes and relive all the weird conversations we had, the sweet kisses we shared, even that one night we spent together hiding under my sheets.

I'll see you soon Anna.

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I dream.

I dream of Anna. I dream of Vicky, Bonnie, my parents. I dream of Elena and I even dream of Damon of all things. He tells me to forget about Vicky. To let go of my pain and focus on study and school work. I listen to him and do as he tells me like he.. he compelled me.

"Jeremy!" Someone calls out to me, invading my dreams of angels and demons. "Jeremy wake up!" I don't want to! I think, all the while holding onto Anna tighter. Never planning on letting her go. I'm in the middle of a great make out session with the one I love. Go away Elena. Great. Now she's shaking me.

I gasp awake and startle Elena who was standing not a meter from me. Whoa. She looks worried. Her eyebrows are frowning and she looks like she's seen a ghost. Damon stands by the door and his eyes narrow at me as the seconds tick by.

"You did it didn't you?" He asks even though it sounds more like a death threat. I turn to Elena and just as we make eye contact, she says something I can't make out. The sound of something else overpowers what she tells me. It sounds like a drum beat. Bu-bum, bu-bum. My eyes widen as I realize what it is. where- who it's coming from. It's Elena's pulse. Oh god. I never realized before just how hungry I am. I'm so... thirsty. I quickly tear my eyes away from her throat so she doesn't notice anything. Damon on the other hand, strolls over and cups his hand around my face aggressively.  
"Damon!" Elena shouts next to him. "What are you doing?! Get off him!" She tries to pull him away but he doesn't budge. He looks me right in the eye and in that moment, I know that he knows what I've done and I'm terrified. What's he gonna do? He can't kill me Elena's right there. Hasn't stopped him before. A small voice in my head tells me.  
"He's in transition" Damon states and stand up, releasing my face.

I glance at Elena and my heart breaks at her broken, shocked expression. I never wanted to hurt her I just couldn't handle everything anymore. I hate seeing the disappointment in her eyes. She clearly hates this idea of mine. Go figures. She hates every life choice I've ever made. She has no right to judge me. She's the one in love with two different people! I narrow my eyes at her and look away before my sudden anger gets the best of me.  
"Go on" I say to her without turning around. "Lecture me on something I can't take back" silence. That's all I get from her. I bet she's giving me one hell of a look right now.

God I wish I couldn't hear her heart beating. It would make this situation so much easier. I never really thought how much blood meant to a vampire. Blood. I can only imagine the sweet taste filling my mouth. The feel of it running over my lips and down my throat. Drowning in blood. Delicious, rich, blood.

Damon pulls me up on my feet roughly. He pushes me past my protesting sister and out the door so fast my feet could barely keep up. I get thrown into the side of a blue Camaro and get growled out to jump in. I do as I'm told as I don't want to be ripped apart. I try not to make eye with him as he starts the car engine.

My throat feels so dry and I can feel just about everything around me. Every single, tiny noise pierces my skull in agony and has done since I woke up. The sound of Elena judging me never hurt so much before. The car jolting in every pothole causes mini explosions in my brain. I grip the armrest until my fingers start tearing through plastic wondering where the hell Damon is taking me.

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 **Damon kidnapping poor little Gilbert. What could possably happen? My involve some bro bonding in the next chap: Well This is Fun...**

 **Until next time! x**


	2. Well This is Fun

**Thank you to those wonderful amazing people that have reviewed and what not! You 2 guys are awesome! Now this chapter a bit boring in my opinion but I'm setting it up for another chapter along the line ;) Enjoy!**

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"Where are we going, Damon?" I demand. We've been on the road for fifteen minutes and we haven't past a single familiar road or street. The town sign streaked past my window shortly after being kidnapped and that was a while ago. Damon doesn't answer me, he just keeps his eyes on the road. I wonder where he's taking me.

It's not getting any lighter outside as the sun refuses to make an appearance. Even when dawn arrives I'm not too worried about being left to burn to a crisp. Not yet anyway. If Damon really loves Elena - and he does, a lot - he wouldn't kill her brother. Permanently anyway. There is also the small fact that I haven't actually completed my transition so I'm not extremely flammable just yet.

Speaking of being in transition, I am so freaking hungry right now. I can only imagine what blood is like for so long before I consider jumping out the car and feeding on the first person I see. I hope we get to wherever we're going soon because I need something - or someone - to eat.

So here I am, met with silence, driving to god knows where, in transition, with a serial killer. Naturally my mind starts to wonder. The past few days events start to take its toll. The anger I felt towards the vampires that ran wild in the town square a few days ago, bubbles to the surface. Those idiots caused John to set off the device. What the fuck were they thinking? Attacking a town that can kill vampires? Dicks.  
I feel shock and sadness at Elena. Her not actually being my sister but my cousin feels wrong. Daughter to that dick.  
I feel numb every time I think about Anna. Sick to my gut about her... death. The fact that she's gone and never coming back. Because she's... dead. John, my uncle, the guy that's supposed to care about me, just staked her without a second thought. Murdered her. I know It happened a day or so ago but now it's like... it's like it's happening all over again.

God I can't wait to turn off my humanity. I'm done feeling this kind of pain.

Tears start to sting my eyes and the road ahead of me gets blurry. I try to hold in my emotions but I know with the images crossing my mind, it's near impossible. I feel the same grief I felt towards my parents when I think about her, maybe even more. I feel pissed of - no. I feel rage, at John. I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna tear him limb from limb and feed on his blood till there's nothing left but a dried up corpse beyond recognition. I'm gonna-

"Wait here" Damon cuts through my thoughts and I realize we've stopped. Damon parked outside a bar. A closed bar it looks like. He gets out of the car and greets someone by the bonnet. A woman in her forties shakes her head and passes him a black bag. She doesn't look too happy at Damon and I can't blame her, it looks like she just woke up, standing in her dressing gown and slippers.

They exchange some words and Damon jumps back in the car. He throws the bag at me and it almost hits me in the face but I catch it without even thinking. Whoa. Nice reflexes. Another perk to add to the list.  
"So uh.. Who was that?" I ask, hoping for an answer this time. Turns out my prayers are heard.  
"Gloria. She's an old friend of mine"  
"Witch?" At that, he turns to face me with a small smile.  
"Missing Bon Bon are we?" He wiggles his eyebrows and laughs at the glare I give him. "Lighten up Little Gilbert" he looks back and drives the car out of the car park.

Back on the road we go. In the past ten minuets, Damon receives two missed calls from Elena, adding to the five other times she called before we saw Gloria, five from Stefan and Caroline adding to the twenty other times they've both tried and only two from Bonnie the whole time I've been gone. Well aren't they noble.

We end up parked in front of an old building that looks like it was abandoned a few decades ago. I follow Damon with a weird look as we walk up the old rickety fire escape. Most of the windows are smashed and too cloudy to look through. There's no way this isn't a drug Lord's hideout. It's the perfect place for it. No way to look inside and see anything, it's on the outskirts of town... Who would want to look at this old place?  
"What the hell are we doing here?" I ask, lowering my voice. Damon turns to face me and smirks.  
"Welcome to my humble abode" he squeezes through a broken window and disappears before I could answer. Great. Now I'm going to crawl into a rat's nest.

As soon as I'm on the other side, my eyes adjust. A lot faster than when I was human. Sweet night vision. When I stand up, a switch flips and room is suddenly filled with light. Good thing we still get electricity here. Wonder how though...

The large square room we stand in is actually kind of nice, considering. The walls are wooden unlike the tin ones outside. There's a desk with magazines and letters on it, pushed up to one corner on one side of the room and an uncomfortable looking couch next to it. A rather large double bed rests at the other end of the room with a bedside table holding a candle and a wardrobe next to it. A sort of kitchen is in the middle,a little cut out from the square shape. A small coal fireplace is by another wall. A few chairs here, a trunk there and a sink and toilet over there behind one of those folding wall things. All in all, it looks like an nineteenth century, homely apartment.

The only thing I notice though, is...  
"Damon, there's only one bed.." I say and give an awkward look. He jumps on said bed with the black bag in his hands he took off me from the car and nods to the tiny couch in front of the small fire place.  
"Look like you're sleeping over there then" he smiles and closes his eyes. I sigh and sit down on my makeshift bed. It's not as uncomfortable as it looks. That's a good sign.

After a while, Damon starts talking again.  
"I stayed here after I first turned someone else" his tone quiet and full of memory. I look up a little shocked. "His name was Edmond and boy did he have his issues. He made me turn him when he had enough of life" A guy who had a lot going on and turned probably looking for a way out. Now why does that sound like someone I know?  
"If you're going to lecture me about my decision to turn-"  
"I'm not" He cut in. He sat up and looked right in the eye. "I helped Ed come to terms with what he became and how to control himself. I gonna do the same thing with you" He sounded sincere and his surprisingly caring gaze quickly turned into a playful one. "Might help me gain some points with your sister" ah, of course. Everything went back to Elena.

I considered my options and wanted to know more about this Edward guy. I got comfortable and thankfully I didn't have to ask Damon anything.  
"Ed was this scrawny kid, just turned twenty when I met him. I used to go to this bar and listen to the music they had there. Ed was the guitarist in one of the bands that played there most nights. He even sang sometimes and let me tell ya, that kid could sing. I brought him a drink one night and we became friends. Just like that. He told me about his passion for music and that. He seemed to have a pretty life, that was until when we got to his family.

"He always got into trouble for stealing food for his family. He always had new bruises. Back then depression and mental illnesses weren't really a thing, but if I think about it, he did have a few issues in that department. Depression, anxiety, insomnia... his life screwed him over and he couldn't do anything about it. Not even die for his family would starve. But he never missed a gig at that old bar. It was a shitty bar don't get me wrong but it was... it was his home away from home.

"One night he didn't show up and we all knew something had happened to him. As I said, he never missed a gig. Ever. I went out looking for him and found a group of guys hunched over Ed. I didn't even think before I killed them all. Ripped their hearts out and drained them all. Ed saw the whole thing and didn't even flinch. He wanted to die. He was waiting for me to do it. He practically begged me to end it, I could see it in his eyes. I gave him some of my blood and took him back here. A few days later his whole family was dead. Killed by the gang that beat him up. Ever since that night though, all the walls he built up crumbled around him. He stopped playing his guitar and shut out all his friends. I tried to help him but he wouldn't let me. He tried suicide three times but I wouldn't let him die. I tried compelling him a better life but turns out he was a defunct witch and couldn't be compelled.

"We had an argument one day and he asked me to turn him. He wanted to be able to turn his humanity off. I could see how much pain that I gave him my blood and told him how to do the rest. I taught him everything I knew about being a vampire. He disappeared six years later. Haven't seen him since"

After Damon stopped talking I didn't know what to say.  
I mean... what do you say to that? Knowing what this Ed guy went through and how long he dealt with it, it makes me feel ashamed. I'm going through only a snippet of what he went through.  
"I want you to know that I don't care weather you want to turn or not. But if you do, I want to help you know control before you rip someone's head off" He says and digs into the black bag in his hands. I nod at him unable to say thanks.

He tosses a glass at me and pulls out a half empty bottle of bourbon.  
"I'm too sober to say anything else" he pops open the bottle and fills mine up as well as his own. We end up finishing the bottle and talked most of the night about anything and everything. It was the longest conversation I've ever had with him. Or anyone really. We talked about Anna, Elena, Ed, my parents, Stefan and even random things like alcohol and animals and junk.

Towards dawn, Damon realized that If I don't feed soon, I'll probably die. He knows why I want to turn and gave me some advise on it but doesn't judge me. He throws the black bag at me, aiming for my head and it hits me square in the face. His look turns serious as if he suddenly sobered up. With his tone dark as it lands in my hands.

"Eat"

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 **So that's the end of the second chapter! now I wonder what a couple of single vamps get up to on Jeremy's "vampire training"**

 **Until next time my sweet viewers x**


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